Catmachine

I'm far more surprised and alarmed now that it is 18 months since my last blog post - obviously I haven't been putting any of the time bending tips into effect yet. In fact I haven't even finished reading Making Time yet - not sure why but I am putting off reading the last chapter. I think I'm afraid that it won't offer any great secrets for beating time at its own game which means that I'll be swept inexorably on to the point when I wake up on the last day of life. Since the last post I have been on a Creative Writing Certificate course. I am still on it, but there's only one term left once this one's over. At the end of all this I am hoping to have a publishable novel. Last term's course was "Special Author" and the assessed coursework in December was a "Creative Intervention". It sounds odd - like storming into a novel, moving all the furniture around and dragging the characters out to the pub against their will. What it boile...

Is anyone else surprised (and perhaps a little bit alarmed) by the fact that it's September already? This year has been going by exceptionally fast - by rights it should perhaps be mid-May, no later. Anyone who knows me will know how I do tend to bang on about this - time accelerating as you get old - quite a bit. However, I haven't blogged about it yet so it will be interesting to put my ramblings in some kind of order. It's a common enough observation - those long hot childhood summers that seemed to last for about five years in today's temporal currency... a two and a half hour car journey being an eternity of boredom at the age of eight... and the past decade passing like a flash. But why does it happen? I've heard a number of theories advanced. Time is measured as a proportion of your life so far This sounds plausible. Let's take a week. When you're five years old, a week is 0.38 per cent of your life. When you're thirty five a week is only 0.05 per...

It's been over two months since my last post. I have no excuse really other than that I've been busy what with one thing and another. Plus I've never been that keen on documenting the minutiae of my life, nor the personal stuff. This is why this thing only gets updated when I'm actually doing something interesting or when I've got something to complain about. In the year or so since I've been posting here there have been a fair few rants. I thought I'd get myself back into the swing of the blog by following up on some of them - seeing if there have been any developments as it were. Inspectors, pointlessness of (5 May 2006) This has now become a little outdated as there's no longer a flat fare. That said I haven't seen any inspectors for a while, either. Cyclepathic tendencies (17 May 2006) Where do I begin? I've continued to cycle to work on a regular basis, so have a million things to add to my list of gripes. Here are just some of them. A cycle...

There remains very little still to tell which is probably why I waited until I was sitting jetlagged back at work in the UK before writing it up. I didn’t have much difficulty getting up at 5.30am – in fact I’d lain awake for a little time before that in anticipation of the alarm on my phone and in the event turned the damned thing off before it sounded. Downstairs to checkout, I asked the guy behind the desk where the best place to get a cab would be at this time in the morning. “ Eighth Avenue ,” he said pointing up the street, “You don’t get one in thirty seconds there, you ain’t got no arms!” He wasn’t wrong – I got a cab about ten seconds after arriving at the corner of 20 th and 8 th . So there then followed the journey back through and away from the city that - as it can be on many holidays - was somewhat melancholy. I got to JFK in plenty of time; check-in and the security checks so very fast and efficient that I obviously hadn’t needed to get there two hours in advance (unli...

Three days is too short for this trip really. I haven’t really gone out a huge amount or done anything specific. Just been soaking up the atmosphere. Which is enjoyable in itself. Last night just sat out in the courtyard and chatted to the other patrons, before going off to bed when they shut it down. This morning I caught the subway uptown to meet Cathy’s other cousin Olivia, her husband James, their two kids and Susan again. We ate breakfast and then went out into Central Park. Weather grey and sticky although the centre of the park seemed to be in scorching sunlight. Headed down to Times Square which isn’t a square really. It has that strangely scary thing of big tall buildings behind which are even bigger, even taller buildings. It gives you vertigo even when you’re standing at ground level. Like seeing something behind the sun. Went to the cinema, then headed back downtown and got the Staten Island Ferry in both directions for the views. Then subway back to the hostel where I now ...

After another breakfast which was in no way, shape or form in line with my dietary regime back in the UK, I set off for another day’s wandering about. I hadn’t gone out the previous night, but I figure I’m on holiday. I don’t have to do anything. In some ways this trip is just reconnaissance. I’m sure I’ll be back. Being Sunday morning the streets were deserted, which was interesting. I headed across to the Flatiron Building and then down Fifth Avenue to Washington Square . Then it was east, north and east again for a while until I found myself in East Village in general and St Mark’s Place in particular. What was interesting about this walk was that even though the geography of the streets is fairly scientific, the character of these areas varies wildly. These changes continued as my route into Lower East Side , Greenwich Village , SoHo and finally the edges of The Meatpacking District (I kid you not). Here I visited Cathy’s cousin Susan who lives on the top floor of a small block...

The annoying thing - one of the annoying things for there are several – about travelling alone is that you don’t get to appear in any of your pictures, and as a result, they look like just anyone’s pictures, with nothing unique about them save your perspective. Anyway, spent most of yesterday evening in the hostel’s courtyard talking to some of the other occupants. Quite a few Brits, some Europeans and some Koreans. Was too tired to do anything about going out last night and got a relatively early night. This meant a relatively early morning. Had breakfast at a nearby café and then walked uptown towards the Empire State Building. Luckily it was still early enough for ridiculous queues not to be an issue – and in fact within half an hour of arrival I was at the top. There was a strange quiet calm up there as if people were afraid to raise their voices in case the laws of nature suddenly noticed what they were doing so far from the ground. Rather hazy, sadly. Back down and after a visit...

Some considerable time later although strangely around two and seven hours at the same time. I can’t access the wireless here so will have to upload later. Driving from airports into city centres seems to be the same the world over. Aside from the driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road and Duel type lorries, the route the airport bus took from JFK to Manhattan was more than a little similar to the A40/M40 and A4/M4 routes into London. Until skyscrapers loomed on the horizon and the bus dived into the Queens Midtown tunnel and emerged into Manhattan itself. Somewhere hauntingly familiar from TV and yet – despite having visited it as a child – somewhere that on some level I’d always had doubts about being real. I’ve been dreaming about visiting here for ten years or more and spookily there were one or two street corners and buildings that I remembered from those dreams. Back in the real world the traffic was heavy. Just like London really! It took ages and a change of bus to get to Penn ...

Halfway across the Atlantic and that roar is beginning to get to me for some reason. It’s somehow more than just the noise of the engines, it’s a symptom of sudden change, I’m passing though a transition between states, not just from one country to another but from regular life to holiday life. Even if this is only going to be a short one. Of course this doesn’t just happen with planes. I experience a similar phase shift if I catch a train up to London after work – the change from work being to play being. But on planes it lasts much longer and that’s why it’s more noticeable. Miles up in a metal tube. The person in front of me is one of those – you know the type, they recline their seat back as far as it will go and then some at the first opportunity. I wonder how he’d react if I suddenly whacked him on the top of the head? Best not to I think. Newfoundland has appeared on the left hand side of the animated flight path just as Ireland’s disappeared off the right. ETA 3 hours 28 minute...

A lot of people complain about customer service. The general consensus is that it's gone to the dogs. As I've pointed out before, more often than not these days consumers are treated as suspects rather than customers. A terrible state of affairs of course, but what's even more terrible is when customer service goes the other way and becomes over attentive and solicitous. It's not just me - I've spoken to friends about this and they all feel the same. It's at its worst when you get into a routine - for example if you call at a particular shop/cafe/stall for your lunchtime roll. After a surprisingly short amount of time the owner recognises you and then starts anticipating you. That's what I hate, being anticipated, with all the underlying implications that I'm being dull and predictable. Unfortunately when they say "Ah, cheese salad roll again today sir?" I haven't yet plucked up the courage to say "No, I thought today I'd go for a...

It has been suggested by some people that occasionally my blog entries here are perhaps a little too angry. And therefore might come across as rude. Sorry! That was never the intention – firstly they're always a bit tongue in cheek. And secondly – this is the internet. Next to what often seems to pass for normal internet behaviour, my blogs are a model of restraint! You'd think that online where people are communicating anonymously with people they don't know in forums, chat rooms, email groups, Second Life etc etc etc… people would be on their best behaviour. After all, in real life you don't walk into a room full of people you don't know and start insulting them. However, in reality the anonymity offered by the online world seems to make many people lose all their inhibitions and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat over the tiniest things. For an example of this in action just go and have a look at any number of forums dedicated to popular TV shows. They'r...

Sorry I haven't written anything for a while; its been a busy time. Anyway, before I come back with a fresh entry here is a list of people who should be shot. Apologies for the swearing. It was worse on the original version of this I posted elsewhere. People who talk about " a month's deposit " in reference to the deposit they pay on rented accommodation. The deposit is paid against any damage to the material of the flat. It has nothing to do with time! Most of the time it is around the same amount as a month's rent, true. But that's all. Shopkeepers who don't offer you a plastic bag until asked and then with extremely bad grace give you a wisp of translucent plastic that evaporates within fifteen seconds spilling your shopping over the pavement. Skinflints (yes, I am fully aware that we should all reuse plastic bags in the interests of being green). People who, whilst doing their shopping in the supermarket, start eating the food before having passed thr...

I realise that I'm just being annoyed at nothing again, but this particular nothing has been bothering me for years, ever since I first started working in an office environment way back in 1989. I usually spot instances of it whilst on my way somewhere - toilet, canteen, refectory, library - it doesn't really matter. The important thing is that I'm in transit. And I will spot them - two people who until relatively recently were obviously also in transit - sometimes one of them might be halfway through a door, another might be carrying a cup of coffee. But their transit has been interrupted by the fact that they've found something to talk about. Now of course there's nothing wrong with this so far. Seeing someone whilst on your way somewhere might remind you of something you had to say to them; instead of putting it off and possibly forgetting, it makes sense to pause in your travels and get it off your chest. The annoying thing starts when I'm on my way back fro...

Spam email seems to be getting worse on an almost daily basis. I do wonder sometimes why they bother - the techniques they use are so basic and flawed that surely only those with a complete brain-bypass would ever be taken in? That's the problem though -it costs nothing to send spam so it's worth sending out even if only one in a hundred thousand are suckered - that's 25 sales if you send out 2.5 million emails (a not uncommon figure). The only way to stop this as far as I can see would be charging for mass emails - I'm not sure how that would work exactly, but it would certainly cause some spammers pause for thought - their number one reason for doing it would have been taken away. What I don't get though is the lengths they go to get around people's spam filters by mis-spelling the keywords or using similar tricks. Surely if you set up a spam filter to discard all emails which mention Viagra it's because you are not interested in purchasing Viagra? So if a...

In a bid to improve their service, my local medical practice has taken to have a walk-in surgery running alongside the regular appointments system. And since they did so, I've noticed that when I arrive for my appointments (which I continue to make - I like the security a precise time and place gives me) it can take anything from fifteen minutes until a full hour after my actual appointment time before I'm seen - unlike before when I was seen on time or as near as damnit. Obviously this new system is not a good idea then... Still it's not all bad though. There's a TV in there which meant that a couple of visits ago I was able to watch a whole episode of "Murder She Wrote" whilst waiting - not normally something I'd want to do, I'll admit, but it did have Andrew "Garak" Robinson in it, so was entertaining at least. ( Why does my head look so big in this picture? ) However, this morning it was just tuned to the Jeremy Kyle show which I'd ne...

I have a bad cough. And it occurs to me... If, as they claim, the Non-drowsy versions of cough syrups work just as well as the Original versions (i.e. the drowsy versions) then why don't they stop making the Original ? I reckon it's because the Non-drowsy version actually is a bit crap in comparison.

Why have 12 people looked at my blog today? I haven't written anything in it since August... This is not a real blog entry, written for the sake of writing a blog. It's mere displacement activity and what's more, it's displacement activity once removed from whatever it is I should be doing in the first place. You see I should be doing some freelance work - even though I've just finished one client's work there's another that has been hanging around since January like a bad smell in a pub toilet, plus there are some more snapping at my heels. At some point when I actually get some time to properly relax and do nothing (as opposed to doing nothing whilst feeling guilty because I should be doing something) I'll put together some strict terms and conditions and send them out to everyone. Plus I'll have the time to update my own website instead of other people's! But the freelance work isn't what I'm avoiding by writing this. In order to avo...

For some reason - probably being busy or at least as busy as you can be when actually on holiday - I didn't get the time to complete this aide memoire whilst still in Edinburgh. So I'd better do it now before memories fade but the scars still linger... Saturday 19 August I think this is where I left you. Made my way over to the Gilded Balloon to see Hils Barker - a show I had not only done the poster for but also designed some fake chicklit covers for: Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the show. Friendly, chatty standup with just the right level (for me) of annoyance with the world and some amusing musical sequences too. I then made my way over to the Pleasance Courtyard and saw Star Trip - a comedy-mime-music-dance science fiction show.Very odd. The second half of it was pretty good though. Afterwards I suddenly discovered that we would be doing a Gonzo show after all... Sunday 20 August Up latish and into town as per. J and I met up with M and made our way over to the Baby Bel...

And so on and so forth... Got back into town the following day just before J's show. Hung around the courtyard for a while then had a drink with J,P,D and D's brother & friend before making my way across to the Smirnoff Underbelly to see Gary le Strange: Beef Scarecrow . Another great show. Very different from the previous ones and somewhat disturbing. In a good way. Then it was off to Brookes for the rest of the evening. So - so far two days and two shows. Not a good rate as I'm only here for a very few days. I'll have to do something about that today.

Another in the occasional series of not-so-much-a-blog-as-an-aide-memoire-to-prevent-myself-forgetting my holidays... After a flight which involved a lot less hassle with the security than I had imagined (I actually turned up to early to check in) I arrived in Edinburgh. It was raining. I walked from the bus stop to the Pleasance Courtyard which didn't seem to have changed - odd to think that it doesn't actually exist as such outside August. Met up with J, D and P, hung around for a while and then went to see their show ( Bad Play: Second Coming ). Which was excellent. Would definitely like to see it again and not just because it's family. After that it was off to Dolphinton for a relatively early night and ten hour's sleep, which was greatly appreciated as I was a little the worse for wear after the apparent "excesses" in Brighton the night before.